I love fixations, and I revel in them. The world may say, “Do something useful,” “Talk,” or “We’re doing this now,” but it is deliriously heavenly to fixate.
I fixated on a draping palm tree when I was in San Francisco with my mum last year. Staring up into that tree was wondrous. The randomness and symmetry at the same time fascinated me. I stared. I made myself dizzy by walking around and around underneath it.
Of course, by walking without looking down, I tripped, which is typical of me. Just today, I have a bruise on my collar bone from a door jamb I walked into this morning, and this was after coffee.
This tree was truly amazing. After tripping twice, I sat on the bench under the tree and stared in one spot. I could see how the fronds worked in a pattern. Between two fronds, was one frond higher up and again and again. I sat there making sense of it, just enthralled.
I heard the people at the pool talking about me staring at this tree. I have learned embarrassment, so I left. Maybe fortunately, because I was on the way to get a coffee for my Mum, and I got distracted by the tree, so of course, I forgot why I was even outside.
Distraction. I do it to this day. I’m doing it right now. I’m focused on blog posts, not because they have to be done, but because I can’t stop thinking of things about my autism for the blog. I love writing to you. You’re a great listener.
I’ve had to get over embarrassment to even write in this blog. “Hey, I have High-Functioning Autism!” is not something I would have screamed from a mountain, let alone tell the world and you.
I learned some about embarrassment from my fixations. I remember hearing with a sneer, “What are you doing?” “What are you staring at? I don’t see anything,” or worse, someone would say, “Hellooo” as they waved a hand in front of my eyes.
But, I’m 43 now, so I have learned to be more confident and stare up into trees, like a blissfully oblivious child.
I ran into your blog on Google and although I’ve never been diagnosed with autism I could really relate to the experience of being overwhelmingly fixated on scenic details more so than even whats going around and perhaps I now see how this might in part be why I am so clumsy all the time lol. Anyhow, I really enjoyed your blog about fixations and really sometimes its the small things that can really make a moment so special that you write a blog about it 30+ years after. Thank you, you made at least this persons day with your wonderful blog.