Hubby and I went to a little get together at his friend Jim’s house, which included Jim’s girlfriend and his friend.

The anticipation of a social activity still makes me anxious, but I did it!  Yes, I made five or more faux pas (that I know of), but I just ignored it.  In certain situations, hubby helped me out with an explanation of what the person was talking about, and he did it in a way that wouldn’t seem odd.

I suppose I can come across as odd, but I don’t care as much anymore.  A part of it is because I’m in my forties, so I am not as self-conscious as a twenty-something.  The other part is learning social skills by rote, which hubby, my mum and my kids have taught me.

I also learn by observing.  For example, I noticed that in a non-personal, know-the-person-well social situation, only say things that last at the most 15 seconds.  A minute means talking with a person individually if they bring up the topic first.  Even then, say something for 15 seconds then wait for them to say something.

I also learned to follow the leader.  No one brought up work, so I didn’t even thought my small business is something I enjoy talking about.  But, I will save that for talking with other business owners, which I am learning also, but that’s another blog post.

Related Article:  My Autism, Social Training, and Twinkling Lights

Photo by Arissa Thompson

The kids in this photo are doing parallel play, which is a normal stage of development starting at two or three years old.  As they get older, they will be going into other stages of more interactive play.

Apparently, with my autism, I’m still a kid at heart.

Through my teen years, I saw no reason to interact.  Fortunately, I have a sister, so I was forced into it, and must admit, I liked it sometimes.

At one point in our childhood we lived beside a lake.  Normally, I would wade in the shallows watching and trying to catch minnows by myself.  My mother had a metal washtub outside, which we normally didn’t notice, but it was going to see its demise that day.

My sister, being the instigator she is, had an exciting idea!  We would use our pink sand pails to put water in the washtub and fill it with blood suckers (leeches).  This went on for hours.  What fun!

Mum yelled, “Lunchtime!”  Then it was nap time then play then have supper.  The blood suckers hadn’t entered my mind.

The next day, we heard suddenly heard a yell.  “You two get out here right now,” Mum said.  We walked to where she was standing, hands on hips.  She said, “You ruined my washtub!”

The washtub was in the hot sun, dry with blood suckers crusted to the sides and bottom.  Fascinating.

My sister looked up at me, and I felt something I had not before: a feeling of complicity.  We had gotten in trouble together–a feeling of togetherness.  Mum quickly interrupted that feeling by telling us to clean it.  The blood suckers weren’t so cute anymore.

I felt that feeling of complicity and togetherness the rest of my life even though I still primarily played by myself.

As an autistic adult, I feel a strong feeling of togetherness with my hubby.  I’m content and secure if he’s in the house or yard.  I don’t need to see or say anything to him for hours.  Yet, when he goes out of town, I feel horribly lonely.

Similarly, toddlers are happy when a parent is around even if they are not interacting, and they are scared if they can’t find their parent.

So, if you have a child or spouse with autism, you are interacting and being loved just by your presence.

I am so glad to talk with you again. Writing to you is a source of inspiration. And, I don’t know what works for you, but for me, writing to someone is therapy. Others may pick up the phone and call a friend, or likely visit with a friend in person.

In my autistic world, talking with people is a learned skill–learned by rote. My first step was to learn to talk to people, which I learned in baby steps, yes, to learn the skill and to gain the confidence as I went along.

Goodness, there are times when I talk incessantly about a topic of current fascination that I have researched extensively. (Don’t get me started!)  Talking about something is not the same as talking to someone. It’s a mental shift. I had to learn awareness of other peoples’ minds, and I learned the hard way.

My feelings would hurt when people would interrupt my diatribes or stop me, so I thought nobody cared to hear what I had to say. I took it as a personal rejection, so I spoke less. I didn’t have the social skills to carry on a two-way conversation, and it never occurred to me that other people would want that. The compulsion to chatter with people wasn’t in my mental makeup.

Do you know how your mind works? I didn’t/don’t. It took years before I realized that other peoples’ minds were different from mine. That awareness, that shift gave me the ability to talk to a person, not just about a concept, because I became aware that the other person was in there. It was a revelation at the time. It came about in university when I learned about theory of mind–fascinating.

I am still learning to talk about my private feelings and thoughts with my closest people. That brings us back to the whole concept of talking with a person, which is a confounding thing to learn. I’m working on it!

Thank you for listening, and I know you are because you are reading this.

Take care,
Eileen.

If you are not on the autism spectrum maybe I can help you understand your loved one’s visual detail that brings such delight, but others may not understand. It’s this detail that can bring a difficulty with understanding context, like in social situations.

I have a fascination with twinkling light that draws me and pulls me into my mind so I notice little else.  I walk to them when I see them, I stare, and I watch over and over.

Try this exercise:

With the speakers off, play the above commercial, while focusing really hard on each twinkling light.  Focus only on every detail of each light, so the objects and the background disappear.  Notice as many lights as you can.  Then play it over and over focusing ever more on each light as it unfolds.  Observe the light growing and disappearing.  As each light moves, notice the trail of light it leaves behind.

With each playing of the commercial, you will notice that you start to have less recall of the shapes and the background but your mind will fill up the lines of light as the twinkling unfolds.  It may be difficult at first, since neurotypical people think in context.  Your mind may at first jump to the objects and the entire picture.  Try your hardest to focus on the lights so you can understand your loved one’s mind a little better.

My visual thinking enables me to see every detail of light automatically.  If you are not on the spectrum, you may have to work at it over a longer period of time to learn how to achieve it.  Or, you could train your brain to learn certain techniques, but without ever learning to do it automatically or properly.

Such Detail in Social Situations

Now, when I try to behave like a neurotypical person in social situations, I have to really work at it.  Over the years, I have learned one social rule at a time.  I rarely learn by “figuring it out” because that would require that my mind can understand social situations in context, much like seeing the bird, flower, tree, and background in the twinkling bird commercial before noticing every little light.

The concept of “making a first impression” mystifies me.  When I meet someone, I know nothing about them so if 30 seconds later, someone asks me what I think of the person, I would have to say, “I don’t know.”  I would also not understand the purpose of asking what I think of the person.

Evidently, neurotypical people get an “impression” of a person in the first 30 seconds.  They have summed up the person into a whole impression that they can talk about.  They have also made decisions about their continued interaction with this person.  They have decided if this person is safe or not.  I don’t know what this person is “like,” whatever that means.

Me?  I usually don’t remember faces and haven’t picked up on the non-verbal facial cues.  I’ll notice and remember details of jewelry (especially if they are twinkly!), clothing, physical size, etc.  Based on these details, I don’t know how I’m supposed to interact with this person.  I don’t know what to say or not to say.  I don’t know if I should walk away or continue to talk.  Also, in how many seconds or minutes am I supposed to walk away?  How long am I supposed to interact?

My brain is running through every social rule I know trying to figure out what to do.  If I don’t know what to do, I talk incessantly or say nothing and walk away.

I am still going through what I call “Social Training University” and learning the rules that create social interactions.  I’ve learned so many I can apply almost consistently.  Hey, I’m not necessarily using the rule in the right situation with the right people, but at least I have learned the rule.

The Science Behind It

This blog was sparked by the paragraphs below from this article in Science Daily.

“Autistic people usually can’t grasp the full meaning, or context, of a situation,” she said. “This often leads to difficulties in social settings, as making inferences from what someone else says or thinks is extremely difficult for an autistic person.”

“Our studies strongly suggest that autistic people need more emphasis on and explanation about the context of different situations,” said Hillier, who leads a social skills support group for people with milder forms of autism. “We can teach them how to interpret different situations.”