Outside Feeling Safe

Autistic Workplace...and supper too.

I feel safe here in my little haven for working, talking, and eating with my husband.  It’s my safe little retreat from a world where I have felt and been unsafe.

Why do I need to feel safe?

I have been bullied starting in childhood through to present day. I have met unsafe people, both male and female–neither one is safer than the other.  I live in a barrage of confusion about how to tell who cares and who wants an opportunity to claw into me for something self-serving.

I even have a competitor who is using my business name and others’ business names or product names to go after the buck and “compete.”  When I called her she said, “That’s the way business is done.”  B.S., and I don’t mean Bachelor of Science.  One of my sewers, who is very people acute, is now doing hiring for me, and I have contracted another people acute person to sort through that non-Bachelor of Science stuff in business meetings so I don’t get sucked in.

Do I sound angry.  Damn straight I am.  I know I’m not alone because I lurk on the autism boards, and many people cloak their anger in super-understanding or sadness, while others are just pissed.  I am now the latter.  The anger doesn’t serve me well, so I’m dealing with it…until the next time I get duped.  But that’s in business.

In my personal life I have my children, my family, my friends, and my dear John to tell me when someone is not good or worse, not safe.  I am soooo thankful for them.

I suppose I have a lot to be happy for: my cat is meowing for pets, John is painting the fence, my kids think I’m cool (Yes, I know what Parkour is), and my family is just awesome.  Did I mention my friends?  I HAVE friends, wow!  And they call, email, or IM because they LIKE me.

We are all travelers
in the wilderness of this world,
and the best we can find in our travels
is an honest friend.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Hi Eileen,
I found out about your blog through the article on CNN and had a question for you.  For years I have suspected my brother has Asperger Syndrome, but he has never been evaluated or diagnosed.  In addition, nobody has ever approached him about it.  He is highly functioning, has a family, kids, steady job…a good life, but has always struggled in relation to social situations, picking up on non-verbal social cues, etc.  I have often wondered if I should approach him and what his reaction might be.  How did you find out or search to learn more about Asperger Syndrome?  Do you think someone with Aspergers has the self awareness to be open to self discovery and if they want to learn more?  Are there any treatments you know of?

The last thing I want to do is push him away or make him feel different.

Thanks in advance for your insight, Mike

Mike,

It sounds like you love your brother, which is the best way to approach any person.

The first thing to note is that autism/Asperger’s Syndrome tends to run in families. When I was diagnosed the psychologist asked if there were people in my family who were like me. Take a look at your family and notice who has traits of autism even though they don’t have enough traits to be diagnosed.  That might be good for your brother to know.

The second thing to note is that as a brother, you are also his friend.  If he self diagnoses or gets a medical diagnosis, he will likely want to talk about it with someone, so offer to listen.  Maybe this Chinese proverb will help:  “A friend who truly knows you is always with you.” We all seek to be known deeply. This English proverb may also apply: “The best mirror is an old friend.”

In response to your question, “Do you think someone with Aspergers has the self awareness to be open to self discovery and if they want to learn more?” I say, “Yea!”  Self-knowledge is the most difficult endeavor a person can undertake. But with the diagnosis of autism many, if not most, people feel relieved to know that they are not weird, they are not alone, and they are a part of a huge, world-wide community.

How will he react?  I don’t know.  I can tell you that give him written information on it rather than talking the whole time. If he is indeed on the autism spectrum, he will likely read the information then go on the computer to learn more.  Some days later, tell him what parts of the information you found interesting or enlightening, and ask him what he thinks.  Then stop talking and listen.

Mike, you wrote, “The last thing I want to do is push him away or make him feel different.” With such social difficulties, he has known for a long time that he has felt different from other people; it’s like being in the world, but not a part of it. You mentioned that others in your family have not approached him about it, so keep in mind that he grew up in your family, so he may feel uncomfortable broaching personal topics.

Might he totally reject the idea?  When my therapist said I might have autism, I rejected it and changed the topic.  But I got curious.  In true autism fashion I hyper-focused on it reading everything I could find on it and spending countless days on autism/Asperger’s boards. I still didn’t quite believe it, but I felt compelled to know so after looking at the post-it on my desk for weeks with the doctor’s name and number, I called and the rest is, well,…my better future.

I am much closer with my family now.  Let me know how it goes with your brother. You can contact me privately at e@cozycalm.com

Twin Cities! KSTP-TV Ch 5 Wed Jun 9 3pm ( tomorrow )  Yes, Minneapolis / St. Paul, Cozy Calm, namely, Eileen Parker will be on TV talking about the Cozy Calm Weighted Blanket.  The show is Twin Cities Live, and yes, it is live, which means they can’t edit bloopers!

If you are in the Twin Cities metro, turn your station to channel 5 at 3:00 p.m., and you’ll see Eileen nervous as heck and cuddling her weighted blanket for confidence.

You know if you have autism or Asperger’s if…

1. You can’t have two things on the dinner plate at the same time. Once you are done with the first food, you get a fresh plate.

2. You understand why the X-men are persecuted…because they are different.

3. Fashion is irrelevant.

4. You butter your toast all the way to the edges with an even layer of butter, but only if the toast is freshly out of the toaster. If it gets hard, you have to throw it out.

5. You figure you would be great on a jury because you won’t be swayed by facial expressions or blathering outbursts of emotions.

6. Sensual experiences are rapturous or make you freak out.

7. High-pitched noises hurt.

8. You look at the floor while listing to someone intensely.

9. You look at the floor while thinking how to answer intensely.

10. Foods have to be eaten in order of temperature.

11. When your partner says, “Let’s go out,” you pause, stare at the wall then say, “Why?”

12. Eating the same thing for a week is delightful.

13. Facts ‘R Us

14. “What did you say? I wasn’t listening”

15. “I should change instead of wearing my very soft fleece pajama bottoms to the store??”

16. “When the company comes over, what should I say?” “Be yourself.” “Oh good, I don’t have to talk.”

17. Animals make more sense than people.

18. Why do NTs (neurotypicals) waste their time on small talk when there are so many real things to talk about?

19. I’m frantic when I can’t find my earplugs.

20. I’m waiting for grandchildren so I can love them, educate them on everything, then send them back. I hope my grandkids are aspies and autties so we can really relate.

This idea came from a 1000+ thread on a forum.  I won’t use other people’s ideas, so I ask that we create this thread together because I will eventually run out of ideas.  If it flies, I’ll publish a compendium weekly.  To be included, add to the thread by leaving a comment for next week’s post or sending your ideas to me at e@cozycalm.com You can request that your idea has your first name or not.

This is not my idea; it’s my husband’s because fashion chic is not my forté.  The color has to feel right.  The fabric has to feel right.  The fit of the clothing has to be right.  Ten minutes or three hours later, I rip those clothes off because they don’t feel right, and my breathing slows down because I was frantic about the feeling.  Matching clothing, which is the barest essential of fashion sense, gets ignored in favor of “feeling right.”

Right now, I am wearing a dark blue t-shirt with a complex art piece on it in yellow, red, mauve, and baby blue and my red, pink, and white plaid pajama pants and my pink and purple fuzzy socks.  Today, when I went to work out, I wore that outfit with my brown and pink Etnies (fantastically comfortable skater shoes).  Evidently, my color and pattern choices do not constitute an outfit.  My daughter can attest to this when, as a teen, she started saying, “You’re going to wear that?  Um, I think you had better change, Mummy.”

My husband joked that I need an adult version of Garanimals, which has animals on the tag so the wearer can easily identify which animal top goes with which animal bottom.  Comfort and wearing the right-feeling color are huge issues.  Maybe Garanimals and Soft Clothing need to collaborate to develop a line of adult Autti/Aspie clothing.

I will be an expert adviser for free clothing!

One last tip:  Do get skater (skateboarding) shoes.  I have a pair of black VANS and a pair of brown and pink Etnies, and both are über comfortable.  Also, since with my sensory processing disorder, I wear the skater shoes because they are flat and stable on the bottom with good support on the inside so I don’t lose my balance as often.  Mind you, I still never put my shoes on near the stairs.

Syracuse likes his weighted blanket. Yes, we have one for the cat.

John (hubby) said I’m just like our cats and here’s why:

1. Cats do things on their own terms.
2. They will get up and walk away without notice.
3. They want to be in the same room with you, but not interact (parallel play).
4. They don’t like their fur petted backwards.
5. They stare at you with no visible emotion.
6. They are not aware of how their actions affect others.
7. They’re intensely curious about the world, but when they get into it they get scared.
8. They can study things for long periods at a time.
9. They have rituals and favorite places.
10. Routines must not be changed.
11. High-pitched noises make their ears go back and they leave the room.
12. They initially inspect people, but ultimately hide when company is visiting.
13. If we change their cat food, they won’t eat it until they’re starving.
14. They get mad if we leave the house.  Once we’re home, they go back to routine and we don’t see them.  They just want the security of us being here because there is no need to interact, since they are content they we’re here.
15. They can lounge for hours caught up in daydreams or pondering.
16. They gauge you by what you do, not by what you say or how you say it.
17. Speech means nothing; visual is everything.
18. They meow non-stop if they want something, but otherwise say nothing.
19. They have acute senses.
20. They are independent loners, and they like it that way.
21. They want their environmental temperature consistent.
22. They get bursts of physical energy for no apparent reason.
23. We don’t know what they are thinking.
24. They are difficult to understand, yet transparent.
25. They don’t like bathing in water.
26. We can’t help loving them.
27. They are very loving…in their unique way.

Hear me Wed 17th @ 2:00 p.m. ET

I’ll be getting down to woman’s business on Diva Talk Radio this Wednesday at 2:00 p.m. ET.  To listen and call in with questions via webchat or call in with questions at http://DivaTalkRadio.com/live

It’s a 30-minute interview about business, the Cozy Calm Weighted Blanket, and what it’s like to be a business owner with autism.

I was on CNN Health!

CNN Reporter Elizabeth Landau called me at work one day because she found me via this blog.  Boy, was I surprised.  The article is entitled, Move to merge Asperger’s, autism in diagnostic manual stirs debate.

Let me know what you think about this issue.

Need I say more. Here is Temple Grandin…

I am woman.

We Aspie and Autti women unite in the common cause of our uniqueness and our group understanding.  Last month I became officially a member of the tribe of all women.  In three to five seconds each, I bonded in mutual understanding with over 100 women.

We had a booth at the Minneapolis Home and Garden Show for our weighted blankets.  Two of the people selling in the booth didn’t have menopause because one woman is too young and the other is a man.

But, Marie and I, whew, Holy Hot Flashes, Bat Man!  You see, Marie and I were the blanket models in the recliner.  We were so glad when an attendee took over the chair to try our weighted blanket.

When one I asked women to try it, only the ones under 40 were eager to try.  The ones over 40 (like me) would make a hand gesture waving at their faces to show that they are too hot.  One woman said, “I’ll put on a blanket again once I’m able to wear white pants.”  Marie and I laughed so hard, while the other two salespeople looked at each other with confusion.

Most people were interested in our weighted blankets, but the over 40 or over 50 women said to their mates, “Honey, you try it.”  When he said, “This feels great; pick me up in two hours” the women often said, “Okay, you get a twin size for your side of the bed and you can have the comforter too.”

I learned that all women, on the spectrum or not, go through the stages of womanly life together.  Women with autism or Asperger’s go through the monthly visit from Aunt Flo, some choose to go through childbirth (as I did twice), we get the dreaded pap smear done, and yes, we go through menopause.

Helen Reddy sang, “I am woman; hear me roar.”  Well, when I get a hot flash, I roar louder.  For you youngsters, life really does begin at 40.  Some have children leaving home so they do like I did and start a business or they have had a career and start a family.

The old-fashioned euphemism of “going through the change” has a new meaning for me.  It’s usually a time of life to celebrate because we have a new understanding of ourselves, start on new adventures, and we have the life experience to do it.

So, go for it because you’re on fire!