Hi Eileen,
I found out about your blog through the article on CNN and had a question for you.  For years I have suspected my brother has Asperger Syndrome, but he has never been evaluated or diagnosed.  In addition, nobody has ever approached him about it.  He is highly functioning, has a family, kids, steady job…a good life, but has always struggled in relation to social situations, picking up on non-verbal social cues, etc.  I have often wondered if I should approach him and what his reaction might be.  How did you find out or search to learn more about Asperger Syndrome?  Do you think someone with Aspergers has the self awareness to be open to self discovery and if they want to learn more?  Are there any treatments you know of?

The last thing I want to do is push him away or make him feel different.

Thanks in advance for your insight, Mike

Mike,

It sounds like you love your brother, which is the best way to approach any person.

The first thing to note is that autism/Asperger’s Syndrome tends to run in families. When I was diagnosed the psychologist asked if there were people in my family who were like me. Take a look at your family and notice who has traits of autism even though they don’t have enough traits to be diagnosed.  That might be good for your brother to know.

The second thing to note is that as a brother, you are also his friend.  If he self diagnoses or gets a medical diagnosis, he will likely want to talk about it with someone, so offer to listen.  Maybe this Chinese proverb will help:  “A friend who truly knows you is always with you.” We all seek to be known deeply. This English proverb may also apply: “The best mirror is an old friend.”

In response to your question, “Do you think someone with Aspergers has the self awareness to be open to self discovery and if they want to learn more?” I say, “Yea!”  Self-knowledge is the most difficult endeavor a person can undertake. But with the diagnosis of autism many, if not most, people feel relieved to know that they are not weird, they are not alone, and they are a part of a huge, world-wide community.

How will he react?  I don’t know.  I can tell you that give him written information on it rather than talking the whole time. If he is indeed on the autism spectrum, he will likely read the information then go on the computer to learn more.  Some days later, tell him what parts of the information you found interesting or enlightening, and ask him what he thinks.  Then stop talking and listen.

Mike, you wrote, “The last thing I want to do is push him away or make him feel different.” With such social difficulties, he has known for a long time that he has felt different from other people; it’s like being in the world, but not a part of it. You mentioned that others in your family have not approached him about it, so keep in mind that he grew up in your family, so he may feel uncomfortable broaching personal topics.

Might he totally reject the idea?  When my therapist said I might have autism, I rejected it and changed the topic.  But I got curious.  In true autism fashion I hyper-focused on it reading everything I could find on it and spending countless days on autism/Asperger’s boards. I still didn’t quite believe it, but I felt compelled to know so after looking at the post-it on my desk for weeks with the doctor’s name and number, I called and the rest is, well,…my better future.

I am much closer with my family now.  Let me know how it goes with your brother. You can contact me privately at e@cozycalm.com

I recommend that you watch this.  Best Autism Video: autism reality by Alex Plank of WrongPlanet.net

“I was being metaphorical about the heart and you just got all confused and just couldn’t relate,” John smiled as he said it.  We were talking about Saturday night after we got home from an evening out.  I remember I had started explaining why the heart and mind act that way because of chemical processes that go on in the mind and body.

Then he started laughing so hard!  I wasn’t offended because he never laughs AT me, just with me.  But, I had no clue what was so funny.  He just reached over and cupped my cheek in his hand and kissed me.  He said, “Yup.  I’m Captain Kirk and you’re Mr. Spock,” still chuckling.

Then I continued, “Yes, I suppose I’m a combination of Mr. Spock and Data.”

“Who?”

“Data, from The Next Generation.”

He laughed again, “Sorry, love, I am not up on my sci-fi like you are.”  I realized what he was talking about and I thought, “OMG, am I the stereotype of a geek where from a lot of these Asperger’s online tests came from?”

I said, “You know, love, I’ve actually had a secret desire to go to a Star Trek convention and dress up and the whole bit, but there are too many people there.”

He started laughing even harder.  Again, he was NOT laughing at me.  It’s a common joke between us that I do NOT want to go to the Minnesota State Fair every year like he does with the kids because the sheer dizzying cacophony and visual flashes just kill me to the point that I have to leave, and NOW.  It’s an extremely serious issue for me, but we laugh about it to take the edge off and to show that he accepts me the way I am.  We laugh because he knows never to ask me to go to the State Fair or any other super-crowded venues.

He loves me the way I am and does NOT see me as flawed, nor do I.  We are the complete opposites, which is something we both have respect for because we think it is so cool that one can think or do in ways the other can’t.  We’re the perfect complement.  We even scored almost exactly the opposite on our Myers-Briggs tests, me, an INTJ, as you may have suspected if you are familiar with the test.

I like being logical.  It’s relaxing.  Yes, I sometimes often to do not know what’s “going on” with other people, but if I understood their drama, I’d be very upset all the time.  So, I have Asperger’s and I’m a happy camper being the logical, cool, calm island who people run to when they are emotionally distressed.

I give big hugs and I’m a great listener.

Oh, and about the heart, John was being romantic and saying sweet nothings about how his heart feels for me.  It was a little subtle for me, but I always understand and feel it wholeheartedly when he says, “I love you.”

Side thought:

Isn’t the stereotype of a geek, a man?  Not so, say I, because I personify geek.  Fortunately, “geek” is in style, so I am so de rigueur.  I am the brilliant, clueless epitome of cool.  Yes, I’m smart and logical, and my kids often say, “You’re going to wear that?”

Thinking in Pictures and Making Connections

This is how a little on how my autistic mind thinks…

I just had a talk with my daughter about how she grew up with a parent with Asperger’s Syndrome (on the autism spectrum).  After looking at her like she was an alien (fascinated) and saying, “I don’t get it” and asking pointed questions until she would inevitably say, “Other people just know,” I thought of toddlers.

Toddlers do parallel play.  The play happily beside each other, not solo, and not group play.  I’m like that with John, my partner of many years; we’re never physically far apart, yet our minds will be preoccupied with something that we’re intent on, and he’s not even an Aspie (person with Asperger’s), just the self-assured, focused, independent type.  We even both work from home, but in separate offices.

I looked up “parallel play” while my daughter was downstairs on the computer and I ran across this The New Yorker article, by Tim Page, named, surprise, surprise, “Parallel Play.”  I was slightly miffed, yet not surprised that someone else thought of it first.  That happens a lot.  I suppose an idea is only considered brilliant if you think of it first.  Maybe I’m just slow compared to the people who think of things first?  Maybe every person thinks of things that have already been thought of?  Is this a generational thing where future generations are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past?

I went on in this line of thought for a while then started reading the article.  Yes, an article about the author’s Asperger’s Syndrome.  I decided that it would spur a great deal of blog posts based on the clarity of the article.  I could personalize his personalizations of Asperger’s.  I suppose that is hardly a unique idea either.

As I went on this tangent, I forgot to tell my daughter about parallel play.  When she was ready to leave, she said, “You should come to the door and say goodbye, Mummy.”  I did.  I hugged her and kissed her because she is my amazing, darling daughter, and I wanted to.  She said, “Yes, that is what you’re supposed to do.”  She was smiling.

So, here I sit confused.  In some year past, she (my neurotypical kid) had told me that I should see people to the door and say goodbye, and I should show emotion.  I did, and from what I could tell, people liked it.

Now, she tells me that I should actually come to the door, not stand at the top of the stairs making repetitive hand movements.  This makes no sense to me so I ask, “Why?”  She says, “I don’t know why; it’s just what people do.”  To me, that wasn’t an answer.

I often come up with ideas because I ask, “Why?”  I veer from “what is normal” in a very linear way, yet they all come together to form connections.  Like in the writer of the New Yorker article, I’ve been dubbed “brilliant” and “creative” time and again, yet I don’t feel brilliant.  I feel like I ask dumb questions, but as the saying goes, “There is no such thing as a dumb question.”

I hadn’t finished reading the article, and I have so many more questions to ask my daughter about how she thinks.  I also haven’t written a blog post yet based on the New Yorker article, but that will come along with a flurry of new connections.

Back to how my mind works:  It’s much like following links on the internet (a linear activity) and finding the new that connects back to previous ideas on pages.  Perhaps that is why we hit the “back” button on the browser to check back to earlier connections.

The connections always lead back to self-knowledge, which for anyone, Aspie or not, are the most difficult.  That is why it is so easy to give advice to others, but occasionally feel lost ourselves, but that is for another blog post.

Proud to be an Aspie

The Eight Asperger Advantages

by Kristina Elaine, reprinted from Alyson Bradley’s Aspergers Parallel Planet

There are aspects of Asperger Syndrome that you can use to your great advantage.

1. Focus

Your ability to focus on one objective over long periods of time without becoming distracted allows you to accomplish large and challenging tasks.

2. Unique Global Insights

Your ability to find novel connections among multi-disciplinary facts and ideas allows you to create new, coherent, and meaningful insight that others would not have reached without you.

3. Independent Thinking

Your willingness to consider unpopular or unusual possibilities generates new options and opportunities and can pave the way for others.

4. Internal Motivation

Rather than being swayed by social convention, other’s opinions, social pressure or fears, you can hold firm to your own purpose. Your unique ideas can thrive, despite naysayers.

5. Attention To Detail

Your ability to remember and process minute details without getting lost or overwhelmed gives you a distinct advantage when solving complex problems.

6. 3-Dimensional Thinking

Your ability to utilize 3-dimensional visioning gives you a unique perspective when designing and creating solutions.

7. Cutting Through The Smoke Screen

Your ability to recognize and speak the truth that is being “conveniently” ignored by others can be vital to the success of a project or endeavor.

8. Logical Decision Making

Your ability to make logical and rational decisions and stick to your course of action without being swayed by impulse or emotional reactions allows you to navigate successfully through difficult situations without being pulled off-course.

THESE TRAITS CAN BE USED TO DEVELOP INVALUABLE LEADERSHIP AND ENTREPRENEURIAL SKILLS

Copyright © 2007 by Kristina Elaine. All rights reserved.
Via Alyson Bradley – Aspergers Parallel Planet